


A Totally Serious Davekat Fic

by madeoftime



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crack, Emotional Hurt, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-19
Updated: 2016-09-19
Packaged: 2018-08-15 21:53:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8074045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madeoftime/pseuds/madeoftime
Summary: Karkat shows off his climbing ability after Dave hurts his feelings deeply.





	

“Karkat, get down.”

“Fuck you.” Karkat holds the plastic sword so it's pointed at your neck. You step towards him.

“Get back!” He slaps your hand. Holy fuck how does it hurt so badly? Fuck oh my god. You step back, holding your probably broken fingers in your other fist.

“What the fuck, dude, ow!”

“I said get back!”

“Dude stay off the top step can't you read?” You flex your fingers. Not broken. Probably. They hurt like a bitch though. “It'll probably, like, collapse under your weight or something.”

“We both know nobody stays off the top step, you idiot. Take it back.”

“No. And it's my stepladder and i say stay off the top step.”

“How is it your stepladder?”

“Since I said so get the fuck down.” He waves the sword as you try to step forward. Damn. Fucking plastic motherfuckers are more deadly than the real thing.

Speaking of plastic, you hear the familiar sound of plastic snapping. “Fuck!” Karkat's foot slips and he pinwheels his arms. The plastic sword clatters to the ground. He reaches up and grabs the ceiling fan. Good thing it's turned off. “Fuck fuck fuck!” The ladder topples and he's hanging from the blade of the ceiling fan.

“Oh my god Karkat you're gonna break the fan too.” You step forward, reaching for his legs. “Come on I'll catch you.”

“Never!” He scrambles, pulling his legs up and wrapping them around the fan blade. The metal cord that turns the fan off and on gets caught on his shoelace. The whole fixture shakes as Karkat wiggles. “I'm not coming down until you take it back!”

“Karkat this is beyond stupid.”

“If it's so stupid then take it back!”

“Fuck you.” You hear a clicking sound. The fan blades slowly turn. “Oh my god you pulled the cord.”

“No I fucking didn't I can't use my hands right now dumbass.” He hasn't noticed the spinning.

“Well you pulled it with your troll dick or something but you pulled the cord. Just let go before you hurt yourself.”

“You know what fuck you, I like it up here. I think I'll stay.” The fan picks up speed. It's slower than normal because of Karkat, but somehow it's working. “Wait shit. Oh my god you pulled the cord didn't you?”

“I can't reach the cord it's a solid fucking five feet past my reach.”

“You pulled it before I got up then.” The fan starts spinning. Karkat grips harder as he's swung round and round.

“Oh my god Karkat let go.”

“FUCK YOU I'LL DIE IF I LET GO!” You can barely see him now, he's just a blurry grey circle.

“I'm getting the broom.”

“What? Don't you dare.” You get the broom. “Hey stay the fuck away from me with that! If I see you use that broom for anything other than cleaning the floors I'll-!” You slap him with the straw end of the broom. “Ow! What the fuck!?” You slap him again. The fan fixture shakes loudly.

“Get down you idiot.”

“Fuck you! You're crazy!”

“Karkat-”

“You're gonna kill me!” This is one fast-spinning fan. Karkat is practically a solid circle of dark grey above you. You try to slap him with the broom again, but the force of his spinning body smacks it out of your hand. “Ow!” Karkat yelps in pain.

“Just let go you asshole!” You pick the broom up, this time pointing the hard wooden handle at him.

“Take it back!”

“I'm not gonna take it back you-”

“Then I'll just die up here! I'll starve to death! And when my rotting corpse falls down I'll make sure to aim for your stupid fucking face!” You can barely understand his screaming. He sounds like he's gonna piss his pants.

“Oh my god, fine! I take it back!”

“Say it!”

“I just did!”

“Say the whole thing or I'll haunt you forever after I die!”

You cover your face and groan. “Alright, alright! Just-” You sigh. “You don't look stupid in my shades.”

“And?”

“And what!? I just said it so get down!”

“Tell me how cool I look!”

You roll your eyes. “You looked really fucking cool. Absolutely awesome. So cool my bro is probably frantically trying to wash piss off his stupid puppet-themed tighty-wities in the afterlife because he got so intimidated. But you stopped being cool when you climbed onto the fucking stepladder and broke it.” You wait for his response.

“That was pretty good, Strider. Not perfect, but pretty good. Now apologize for making me visualize your Lusus naked, trying to clean his ugly technicolor underwear!”

“What are you guys talking about?” You spin around. “Holy fuck Dave where are your shades?” Terezi flips the light switch, and the fan starts to slow down. You feel stupid for not doing that earlier.

“Sup, tee zee?” You nod at Terezi. It's a lot less cool than normal because you still don't have your sunglasses back.

There's a scream and a loud thud as Karkat falls facedown onto the floor between you and Terezi. Terezi laughs.

“Holy fuck dude are you okay?” You kneel down to grab Karkat and roll him over. Your sunglasses are broken. Fuck.

“You didn't apologize yet, asshole.”

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this post:  
> http://crockersleuth.tumblr.com/post/150612251489/jaclcfrost-heres-a-concept-me-riding-your


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